methinkwrite

After I got home, not even a thank you message. And yet you still hold on to her.

Tonight we kissed. She said it was for the last time. She said she wants to be loyal to Jerwin because he left his family for her, and she would be an asshole if she left him after what he did. She was wearing a black shirt and green shorts, and was sweating. She even asked me to wipe her back while lifting her shirt and between her bra. She has a slightly different version of how things ended between us, but that's okay. I gave her the 2k Maya Impian gave me. Walang kapalit, we agreed. For now, I think it is really over. I am still praying to Allah so that me and her will end up together, but only Allah knows everything. I still love her.

3AM, 4 august 2026  dear aby, i think i'm fooling myself for believing that there's still a chance of us getting back together. kahit napaka close natin kapag nagkikita tayo, even though you let me hug you and kiss you when we're alone together, i don't think you'll ever choose me. what you said earlier that you and jerwin are back together just sunk in at 2am. the fact that you flew to dubai to be with him for a week, talong talo ako doon. even when we were together, there were times that you compared me to him. and that only meant that he is your benchmark, and if i couldn't match that benchmark, i could never be your choice. the fact that months after you broke up, he still found a way back to your heart, talo ako doon. kahit na marami akong maoffer (spouse visa, stability sa malaysia, etc), you still chose him even if it appears to me that he has none of that to offer you. again, talo ako. the fact that despite all your horrible fights in the past, sya pa ri...

i keep telling myself no but the truth is i still want her. i'm supposed to walk in the other direction towards healing but i turn into jelly whenever i see her. i cant lie to Allah.

Slowly, I begin to realize that some things that frustrate me at work is when I feel that I can never have a degree of mastery of what I do. For example, I have to find statistics. These are things that I cannot come up on my own. I am entirely dependent on other agencies and if I can't come up with the latest, my boss will be displeased with me. This gives a feeling of helplessness and later dissatisfaction. And this leads to unhappiness at work.

Today, I received an email from my father. His college is closing down very soon and he will be unemployed. He has been trying to apply for other jobs but he's been getting no replies. Of course, at his age, it's virtually impossible for him to get a job. I'm still thinking how to help him. It's worrying because there are still people depending on him (not me, though). I wish I could help. It's not that I'm not helping; but I am not earning a lot of money. I can only hope that something good will happen.